Hard To Figure.

Dating for me these days is hard.

When I was in my 20s, I had very little desire to get married or be attached.  I had boyfriends, but what they did in and with their lives wasn’t really my concern.  I was all about me and when I needed a date, or wanted someone to talk to, insert boyfriend.

Now, I know I want a family.  I want a husband, someone I can depend on.  Someone I can talk to, and share with.  Someone who will love and encourage me.  At this point, I have assets, I’m accomplished.  I’m educated, and the list goes on.  I will never marry someone who I can’t see fitting into my world and not only fitting in, but adding to it.  The older I get, the more difficult it is to be a “girlfriend”.  I don’t even like that word.  It sounds so….childish.

I know what I want, and why I want it.  So, how do I date and be in a relationship with someone I  care about, yet not get too caught up in him and his life?  I am single but in a relationship.  So, I have no ties, and no responsibility other than to myself.  It’s nothing for me to decide I want to live in Cali, and then start making plans to move there.   I am grown up, and make grown up choices.  So, how does this relationship and “boyfriend” fit into that?  I have yet to figure that out.  I take it day by day, but as a planner and constant mover and shaker, it’s been hard to figure out the next move for me and my life….without considering him and his.  It’s hard to be an adult, and be someone’s girlfriend.  I have yet to figure out how much energy and care am I really supposed to put into thoughts of “us” when the reality is….there’s just me.

So much for my rambling thoughts….. Carry on.

Every time I try to leave….

Today, I was cruising a few of my favorite blogs.  Whenever I see my blog listed in a blogroll, it just encourages me not to shut this thing down completely.  I’m so fortunate to have met, “met”,  and kept in touch with some great people around this here internet.

I still believe in the power of sharing our journeys.  It is therefore my love and appreciation for the few faithfuls whom I’ve watched (read about) for years–that inspires me to want to “give” back by way of my own sharing.  So here I remain.  Now, go write something. 

Proposals

For a man, I would presume making the decision to propose to a girlfriend is a huge process.  Based on what I’ve heard from my male friends, they make financial goals or other markers that they need to meet, and then decide to go find a wife.  Oh, they also make sure they can afford a nice ring, and that they will have a place for their future wife to live. I realize that every man doesn’t take those steps per se, but, the point is that they make preparations.  Even if the only preparation they make is to buy an engagement ring.  If a man spends money on a ring, it would seem he should be ready to jump the broom.

On the other hand, women also have things they do in order to become ready for marriage.  I know for me, I was focused on career for a while and didn’t consider marriage or children until I was about 30 years old.  At that point, I began thinking more about it, and decided I was ready.  Even now, a couple of years later, while I still feel ready, I do respect that it takes time to get to this point.  At times, I start to wonder if I’m really ready to share everything….but, when the time comes for me to actually have to evaluate that, I’ll do so.  For now,  I respect the fact that it may take some folks more time than others.  And, I unlike some, don’ think that women just sit around always ready–waiting to be asked.  Too bad everyone doesn’t feel that way.

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Time….

Have you ever been blown away by how quickly time moves?  I often find myself in shock when I see “kids” who I watched when they were infants become young adults.  Or, babies who are now talking and walking toddlers.  It always seems like years have passed quickly.  In fact, I feel like each month I am shocked when it arrives, and shocked when it is over!

I come from a family of women who worry.  I have to fight myself, and really pray to stay faithful.  I believe that faith does not leave room for fear, or worry.  And, just when I forget, I am reminded in something I’ve read, or by something that is said to me.

Today, I’m reminded to appreciate everything I have, everything I AM, and everyone I love.  Even those who don’t appreciate me.  I am a person who thanks God daily.  And, I will be honest and say that sometimes things in my life just don’t seem fair.  I get sidetracked at times, and for a minute, I wander away from my blessings and get said about something that I perceive as missing.  But, in reality, I am where I’m supposed to be in this moment.  And, I continue to acknowledge my dreams and my faith that they will come true.

In 2012.

Apparently there is a theory that the world is going under in three years. Wasn’t that supposed to happen in 2000?  Sheesh.  Well anyway, last night I was discussing some ideas about how we should live life differently knowing that this joint will shut down soon.

I said that I would sell everything I own, and get an RV.  Then, drive all around the U.S. to see everything.  But, on second thought, I figured, why think small.  I’d rather just country hop.  I want to go to London, Madrid, Milan, Cuba, St. Kitt, D.R..  I want to see different countries, Australia, Egypt, Antartica and Thailand.   I’d want to eat different food, chill on the coasts, sit in the sand, swim in the water.

I thought of a few other things I’d want to do which would require throwing my laurels and morals into the wind, too.    And, then I thought further.   WHY am I not doing these things now?  Are we not supposed to live life wildly and fully, not knowing which day will be our last?  Why am I living life now in a way that would differ than if I knew my expiration date?

In church, I figured out why.  It’s because today, not knowing how long I’ll live, I assume I will live long enough to have children.  I assume that myself and my family will live long and happy lives where we accomplish our goals and also our dreams.  I want to live thinking about a future that looks a lot different from my present, even though my present is mighty fine.  I am content waking up each day and doing what I’ve set out to do.  Finishing up this degree and preparing to explore the options in front of me.  Knowing that the life I’m living now looks awfully close to the plans I’d made for myself for this time.  Trusting that the plans I have for myself in the near future will allow for the fantastic journeys and love that I imagine will come.

So, in re-thinking I have decided.    I will not go on a wild world tour (I don’t think).  But, I will  be sure that I do not waste another moment wishing I was doing anything.  I will be fine and content taking things one step and one day at a time.  And, once the theorists are proven wrong and we cruise into 2013, I will make SURE I’m still happy.  Will you?

Up and Down.

I’ve noticed that most bloggers feel the need to just step away from their blogs for a while. Sometimes you just run out of crap to talk about.  Sometimes, you get caught up in living life, and can’t write about it.  Sometimes, you just get tired of people looking at/talking about/thinking about what you say and how you say it.  But, really–for me, writing is therapy.  And, I write daily.  I have journals, and private entries for days.  So, at a certain point there comes a call for purpose when it comes to sharing here.  Why am I doing this?  What do I want?  Why do I share– and does anyone care?

This is an outlet.  But, it’s public so that means it’s under scrutiny in some ways.  But, what is there to gain by writing what’s going on in your life?  Is there really value in putting your thoughts out there?

Anyway, I was reading up on bloggers who are making mad money.  Believe it or not, at one point I thought I would be able to spin enough blog fodder to gain a following and develop a passive stream of income.  Yet, when something you like doing becomes required….it becomes a job.  And, who likes to work? lol   Anyway, there are bloggers pulling in six figures from sharing their ’stuff’.    But, I can’t help but wonder how stressful it becomes to have to put together your thoughts in a way that will capture your “audience”,  in order to pay your bills.   But, 140k a month to talk crap about celebrities from your bedroom?  Hmm.  Just thinking….

Welcome.

I’m back.  When I have something to write, I’ll post…. Thank you.