I can’t afford to care.

You know, a thousand and one people have two thousand opinions about Tiger Woods and his life.

Well, when it first broke, and someone said they would take the alimony and child support and find a cuter dude, I responded that I *might* not be so quick to say I’d leave. The fact of the matter is, I have no idea what I would do. I do know where I’ve come from, and I’m just NOT SURE that if I’d married and fell in love with someone who happened to be a billionaire that it would be easy for me to pack up our children and roll out. I can’t say that I would leave for sure, because there are situations that I’ve been in “in the name of love” that I really never thought I would be in. So, yeah. I just don’t know.

I can’t get my own dating situations right at times. lol I have to worry about figuring out the next move when it comes to my own love life and it’s such an uphill battle that I can’t afford to care too much about ANYone else’s. I can only imagine that Elin is surely going through a myriad of emotions or thoughts, trying to figure out just WHAT to do with Tiger. But she has no choice other than to “just Mommy” to her babies.

For that, I pray that she does EXACTLY what is best for her.

So….

My Mother has not been dead a year yet, and my RATS-ASS stepfather Mother’s husband, has moved a new woman into their home.  I have no problem with him moving on, because he’s a loser who can’t live alone. But, he’s being a jackass about it, telling my family that he can live his life however the f*ck he pleases.  Who says that? He hasn’t contacted me at all in months, and I recently reached out to him and he totally played me like I was bothering him.

I have no idea why I would post this other than to hope that whoever reads it thinks he’s as disgusting as I always have.  The End.

Talking-Talking-Talking

Quiet.

People have always thought me quiet.  It’s because I was raised in a house where there  was not much noise for a while.  My Mother was an only child.  I was an only child.  We both enjoyed quiet and solitude at times.  However, I was raised not to be shy.  I was a performer.  So, sometimes they would have to push me to speak UP, but never had to push me to speak.

As an adult, I’ve learned that I like to talk.  I guess as I’ve gotten older I’ve become more willing to share.  There was a time when all I was was a listener.  But, I think around my late 20s, I became more vocal myself.

I was in church one time, and the speaker said that when we (women) have a problem, we may find that we are running around from person to person telling the story, soliciting a response, sharing emotions, looking for answers.  But, she said that really the answer is in prayer and the answer is in ourselves.  Hmm.

At one point when I was going through something, I had three or sometimes even four people to talk about it with.  Over and over again, I’m telling the story.  In thinking about it, it’s ridiculous!  Now, I’m trying to learn NOT to talk about my challenges with everyone.  Some things I just need to keep completely to myself.  And, I’ve found that most recently when something happened that I told myself I would keep to myself, I ended up telling  THREE of my friends the entire story and one of my friends a little bit of the story.  That’s ridiculous! I need to shut up! lol

I think as a blogger, I like to read to see how other folks are living.  But, I also want to know how they are dealing with challenges.  When someone shares their challenges, or methods of dealing with certain things, it’s a learning experience.  When someone asks for advice and everyone chimes in with how THEY interpret a scenario and how they would handle it, it’s interesting to me.

But, for me?  I really need to learn how to be much more quiet.

Hard To Figure.

Dating for me these days is hard.

When I was in my 20s, I had very little desire to get married or be attached.  I had boyfriends, but what they did in and with their lives wasn’t really my concern.  I was all about me and when I needed a date, or wanted someone to talk to, insert boyfriend.

Now, I know I want a family.  I want a husband, someone I can depend on.  Someone I can talk to, and share with.  Someone who will love and encourage me.  At this point, I have assets, I’m accomplished.  I’m educated, and the list goes on.  I will never marry someone who I can’t see fitting into my world and not only fitting in, but adding to it.  The older I get, the more difficult it is to be a “girlfriend”.  I don’t even like that word.  It sounds so….childish.

I know what I want, and why I want it.  So, how do I date and be in a relationship with someone I  care about, yet not get too caught up in him and his life?  I am single but in a relationship.  So, I have no ties, and no responsibility other than to myself.  It’s nothing for me to decide I want to live in Cali, and then start making plans to move there.   I am grown up, and make grown up choices.  So, how does this relationship and “boyfriend” fit into that?  I have yet to figure that out.  I take it day by day, but as a planner and constant mover and shaker, it’s been hard to figure out the next move for me and my life….without considering him and his.  It’s hard to be an adult, and be someone’s girlfriend.  I have yet to figure out how much energy and care am I really supposed to put into thoughts of “us” when the reality is….there’s just me.

So much for my rambling thoughts….. Carry on.

Every time I try to leave….

Today, I was cruising a few of my favorite blogs.  Whenever I see my blog listed in a blogroll, it just encourages me not to shut this thing down completely.  I’m so fortunate to have met, “met”,  and kept in touch with some great people around this here internet.

I still believe in the power of sharing our journeys.  It is therefore my love and appreciation for the few faithfuls whom I’ve watched (read about) for years–that inspires me to want to “give” back by way of my own sharing.  So here I remain.  Now, go write something. 

Proposals

For a man, I would presume making the decision to propose to a girlfriend is a huge process.  Based on what I’ve heard from my male friends, they make financial goals or other markers that they need to meet, and then decide to go find a wife.  Oh, they also make sure they can afford a nice ring, and that they will have a place for their future wife to live. I realize that every man doesn’t take those steps per se, but, the point is that they make preparations.  Even if the only preparation they make is to buy an engagement ring.  If a man spends money on a ring, it would seem he should be ready to jump the broom.

On the other hand, women also have things they do in order to become ready for marriage.  I know for me, I was focused on career for a while and didn’t consider marriage or children until I was about 30 years old.  At that point, I began thinking more about it, and decided I was ready.  Even now, a couple of years later, while I still feel ready, I do respect that it takes time to get to this point.  At times, I start to wonder if I’m really ready to share everything….but, when the time comes for me to actually have to evaluate that, I’ll do so.  For now,  I respect the fact that it may take some folks more time than others.  And, I unlike some, don’ think that women just sit around always ready–waiting to be asked.  Too bad everyone doesn’t feel that way.

Protected: I Just…Don’t Know…..

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Time….

Have you ever been blown away by how quickly time moves?  I often find myself in shock when I see “kids” who I watched when they were infants become young adults.  Or, babies who are now talking and walking toddlers.  It always seems like years have passed quickly.  In fact, I feel like each month I am shocked when it arrives, and shocked when it is over!

I come from a family of women who worry.  I have to fight myself, and really pray to stay faithful.  I believe that faith does not leave room for fear, or worry.  And, just when I forget, I am reminded in something I’ve read, or by something that is said to me.

Today, I’m reminded to appreciate everything I have, everything I AM, and everyone I love.  Even those who don’t appreciate me.  I am a person who thanks God daily.  And, I will be honest and say that sometimes things in my life just don’t seem fair.  I get sidetracked at times, and for a minute, I wander away from my blessings and get said about something that I perceive as missing.  But, in reality, I am where I’m supposed to be in this moment.  And, I continue to acknowledge my dreams and my faith that they will come true.

In 2012.

Apparently there is a theory that the world is going under in three years. Wasn’t that supposed to happen in 2000?  Sheesh.  Well anyway, last night I was discussing some ideas about how we should live life differently knowing that this joint will shut down soon.

I said that I would sell everything I own, and get an RV.  Then, drive all around the U.S. to see everything.  But, on second thought, I figured, why think small.  I’d rather just country hop.  I want to go to London, Madrid, Milan, Cuba, St. Kitt, D.R..  I want to see different countries, Australia, Egypt, Antartica and Thailand.   I’d want to eat different food, chill on the coasts, sit in the sand, swim in the water.

I thought of a few other things I’d want to do which would require throwing my laurels and morals into the wind, too.    And, then I thought further.   WHY am I not doing these things now?  Are we not supposed to live life wildly and fully, not knowing which day will be our last?  Why am I living life now in a way that would differ than if I knew my expiration date?

In church, I figured out why.  It’s because today, not knowing how long I’ll live, I assume I will live long enough to have children.  I assume that myself and my family will live long and happy lives where we accomplish our goals and also our dreams.  I want to live thinking about a future that looks a lot different from my present, even though my present is mighty fine.  I am content waking up each day and doing what I’ve set out to do.  Finishing up this degree and preparing to explore the options in front of me.  Knowing that the life I’m living now looks awfully close to the plans I’d made for myself for this time.  Trusting that the plans I have for myself in the near future will allow for the fantastic journeys and love that I imagine will come.

So, in re-thinking I have decided.    I will not go on a wild world tour (I don’t think).  But, I will  be sure that I do not waste another moment wishing I was doing anything.  I will be fine and content taking things one step and one day at a time.  And, once the theorists are proven wrong and we cruise into 2013, I will make SURE I’m still happy.  Will you?

Up and Down.

I’ve noticed that most bloggers feel the need to just step away from their blogs for a while. Sometimes you just run out of crap to talk about.  Sometimes, you get caught up in living life, and can’t write about it.  Sometimes, you just get tired of people looking at/talking about/thinking about what you say and how you say it.  But, really–for me, writing is therapy.  And, I write daily.  I have journals, and private entries for days.  So, at a certain point there comes a call for purpose when it comes to sharing here.  Why am I doing this?  What do I want?  Why do I share– and does anyone care?

This is an outlet.  But, it’s public so that means it’s under scrutiny in some ways.  But, what is there to gain by writing what’s going on in your life?  Is there really value in putting your thoughts out there?

Anyway, I was reading up on bloggers who are making mad money.  Believe it or not, at one point I thought I would be able to spin enough blog fodder to gain a following and develop a passive stream of income.  Yet, when something you like doing becomes required….it becomes a job.  And, who likes to work? lol   Anyway, there are bloggers pulling in six figures from sharing their ’stuff’.    But, I can’t help but wonder how stressful it becomes to have to put together your thoughts in a way that will capture your “audience”,  in order to pay your bills.   But, 140k a month to talk crap about celebrities from your bedroom?  Hmm.  Just thinking….